DON'T TAKE THE COLLAR OFF!
by Ditty
Summary: Well, you can't really get much more random than this! Basically, we've got a little story in the Abhorsen Household that shows how a normal day can turn into an adventure. Keep reading for more updates!
1. Default Chapter

Abhorsen: Bye Mogget! Bye Disreputable Dog! I'm off to get Groceries! *Walks out the door*  
  
Mogget and Disreputable Dog: (in unison) *waves paws* BYE!!!  
  
Mogget: Don't forget to buy the little cans of tuna! They're on sale for 4 for a dollar!  
  
Disreputable Dog: And get me a box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese too!  
  
Mogget: Kraft Macaroni and Cheese? Why that?  
  
Disreputable Dog: I dun no...just because...  
  
Mogget: Don't get her that...Get her...  
  
Disreputable Dog: Get Mogget a new litterbox! Hee hee!  
  
Mogget: HEY! NO! DON'T LISTEN TO HER!  
  
Disreputable Dog: Hee hee! He left like, 5 minutes ago...  
  
Mogget: He's Abhorsen...he can raise the dead and lay them to rest, but he doesn't have very good hearing? AND HE LEFT 4 MINUTES AND 59 SECONDS AGO! HA!  
  
Disreputable Dog: *licks Mogget* WHEE! Now I can watch TV!!! YAY! *Jumps on the couch and flicks on the TV*  
  
Mogget: Ewww! Sticky! YOUR NAME IS TOO LONG! Shorten it!  
  
Disreputable Dog: No it's not! It's a pretty name! At least my name doesn't sound like an icky bug! Eww...Maggots! OH LOOK! SCOOBY DOO IS ON!!!! Scooby Dooby Doo...Where are you? We've got some work to do now...  
  
Mogget: AAAHHHHH!!!! * Crosses out Disreputable Dog and puts D.D. when she's not looking * CHANGE THE CHANNEL!!!  
  
D. D.: HEY! I don't want to be named D. D.! Why is that my name?! Why can't I be...  
  
Maggot: BECAUSEYOURNAMEISTOOLONGTHAT'SWHY!!!! HEY! WHO PUT MAGGOT INSTEAD OF MOGGET?!  
  
D. D.: *giggles* Someone's a cranky kitty today...Hey! I'm still D. D.! Humph! I'm not changing the channel now!  
  
Mogget: *corrects name* Pweez?! I don't wanna watch this! I wanna watch Tom and Jerry!  
  
D. D.: NO! Only if you change it back to The Disreputable Dog!  
  
Mogget: *looks around* I will if you'll take off my collar... *looks smug and hopeful*  
  
D. D.: *looks up into the air thoughtfully as if she might actually take it off* Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...nah!  
  
Mogget: *jumping around trying to pull off collar *DAG NAB IT!  
  
D. D.: I'll buy you a new one though! We'll get you a cheap pink polyester collar!  
  
Mogget: NOOOO!!! You wouldn't...  
  
D. D.: I put it on the grocery list Abhorsen took with him...  
  
Mogget: WHY?! WHY?! WHY must I be condemned to suffer like this?! *sob* Why did it have to be polyester?! Why couldn't it AT LEAST be nylon?!  
  
*Sabriel comes down the stairs*  
  
Sabriel: Whew! I've worked day and night on these for you...  
  
D. D.: OOH! A PRESENT! A PRESENT! What'd you make?!  
  
Sabriel: Since when did you start calling yourself D. D.?  
  
Mogget: Never mind that...you look tired too! So what'd you make for us?! What'd you make for us?! *Bounces around*  
  
D. D.: She made litter boxes, of course! *Chuckle chuckle*  
  
Mogget: She made one for you too then...  
  
D. D.: GAH!!!! NO!!! I'VE NEVER BEEN SO INSULTED!!! *faints*  
  
Mogget: *grabs remote* HA HA! I GOT THE REMOTE!!!! *clicks at TV* NOOOO!!!! IT'S A SCOOBY DOO MARATHON!!!!  
  
Sabriel: Erm...okay, well anyways, Here's your presents! I made you each a pair of matching knitted boots, scarves, hats, and sweaters! YOU'LL LOOK SO CUTE IN THEM!  
  
Mogget and D. D.: X_X You were supposed to be learning about being an Abhorsen and you were KNITTING instead?!  
  
Mogget: *pinches D. D.* Pinch poke, you owe me a coke!  
  
D. D.: I'll just give you a litter box instead.  
  
Mogget: I'm sure Sabriel will help me get you a pooper scooper then...  
  
D. D.: *Twitch* *twitch*  
  
*Rain starts to fall from the heavy overcast above* *plop* *plop* *plop* RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! BZZPP!  
  
*Lireal's head peeks over the stair railing*  
  
Lireal: Hey! Sabriel! You should never ring Ranna whenever you're using a hair dryer and standing over a sink! *Smooth black hair is standing up on end and has sparks shooting out of it*  
  
Sabriel: O_O Want a hat for that? *Gets out yarn and knitting needles* I think you'd be a good knitter Lireal! You're good at making Charter Skins!  
  
Lireal: Probably...except it kinda itches...*walks out in a knitted rainbow sweater with an Abhorsen/Clayr key symbol on the front* *hair is still standing up* How do I look?!  
  
Mogget: Oh yes Lireal, you SO look like an Abhorsen in that...yep, that's right...Look at me! I'm Lireal the Abhorsen in my bright happy Rainbow Sweater! Whee! *Hopping around* I can banish and summon the dead and I like lollipops!  
  
D. D.: I kinda like it actually...  
  
Mogget: *glaring at D. D. *  
  
Anonymous Announcer Person: SUDDENLY...there's a huge rumble outside the house. *Rumble* *Rumble* *Rumble*  
  
D. D.: No there wasn't! That was my stomach! I'm hungry...  
  
Mogget: Goodness...make us all think the world was coming to an end why don't ya?!  
  
Anonymous Announcer Person: Wait...you're a character in the story, how would you know any way? You would just...  
  
Sabriel: *rings Ranna* *Announcer falls asleep* Now THAT'S when you can ring Ranna, Lireal!  
  
Announcer: *SNORE!* *SNORE!* *SNORE!*  
  
Mogget: Oh no...and I thought D. D. snored badly...*covers ears*  
  
D. D.: HEY! If you had just eaten a...  
  
Mogget: I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT!!! OH SAY CAN YOU SEE...  
  
Lireal: What an awful racket...racket? HEY! A RACKET!!! *Runs upstairs to go get her tennis racket* *whacks announcer with it* WAKE UP!  
  
Announcer: Uh...ZzZzZzZz...  
  
Sabriel: Hmmm...Let me go see if I have anything harder...*walks away*  
  
Lireal: I'll go check to see if I have anything sharper...*wanders off upstairs*  
  
D. D.: Hmmm...I'm hungry! *Bounds away into the Kitchen*  
  
*Announcer person wakes up*  
  
Announcer: Uhhh...where am I?!  
  
Mogget: MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! FREEDOM IS MINE AT LAST!!! I mean uh...*cough* *cough*  
  
Announcer: Who are you? GAH!!! WHY IS THERE A TALKING WHITE CAT IN FRONT OF ME?!  
  
Mogget: *smirks* I'll tell you if you take off my collar...  
  
Announcer: *looks curiously at Mogget and stretches his arm out to take the collar off Mogget*  
  
*D. D., Lireal, and Sabriel each get this same little feeling that something bad is about to happen and they all stop what they're doing and dash around the corners to stop it*  
  
D. D., Lireal, Sabriel: NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!  
  
*TIME FREEZE!*  
  
Will this be the end?! Will Mogget's fury be set upon the world?! Will Lireal ever find her sharp object?! Will D. D. ever get her snack!? Will Sabriel knit another hat?! Will the Announcer person take off the collar or ever get their job back?! (I hope not because then I get to keep his job! WHEEEEEEE!!! ACK!) *Second announcer person gets pushed pulled off the stage by a giant cane*  
  
TO BE CONTINUED!!! 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclamier: Okay, Under penalty of assassination if I stopped at chapter 1, I had to write a second chapter! So, here it is! Voila! Enjoy! More coming soon!  
  
From the last episode  
  
D. D., Sabriel, Lireal: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Drops everything and dash to Mogget TIME FREEZE!  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
---------  
Still in a TIME FREEZE!  
  
Lireal: DON'T TAKE THE COLLAR OFF!!!!  
  
Sabriel: DON'T TAKE THE COLLAR OFF!!!!  
  
D. D.: DON'T TAKE THE COLLAR OFF UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO BITE YOU ON THE LEG REALLY HARD!!!!  
  
Lireal: Hey Sabriel! You copied me!  
  
D. D.: I'm hungry...  
  
Sabriel: No I didn't. I'm not the one who's typing this script up! Glares at author  
  
Lireal: HUMPH! Well I don't like it that we have the same lines!  
  
Sabriel: Does it really matter?  
  
D. D.: I'm hungry...  
  
Lireal: YES IT DOES! CHANGE IT!  
  
Sabriel: Geeze! Why is it so import...  
  
D. D.: I'm hungry...  
  
Lireal: CHANGE IT!  
  
Author: OK! OK! Sheesh! changes it  
  
Lireal: Thank you...  
  
Sabriel: shrug did I tell you about the latest hat I've knitted?  
  
D. D.: I'm still hungry...  
  
Back to the top  
  
Lireal: DON'T TAKE THE COLLAR OFF!!!! Sabriel: ...Well, it's purple and blue yarn with a red...oh, right, we're back to the top...CEASE AND DESIST THE PROCESS OF REMOVING A SIGNIFICANT RED LEATHER NECK BAND BOUND ACROSS THE CREATURE MOGGET'S VILE THROAT! Is that better Lireal?  
  
Lireal: O.O Nice vocabulary. Yes it is. Now on with the story...  
  
D. D.: Right...can we have a sandwich break first?  
  
Announcer Dude: My arm hurts...  
  
Mogget: Then pull the collar of and be done...Mwahahahahaha...  
  
Announcer Dude: But I'm frozen...I would pull it off if I could. I like little fluffy white kitties.  
  
D. D.: Little white kitties are known to eat ignorant announcers when their collars are taken off...they get these big sharp pointy teeth and scream RAWRAWRAWRAWRAWRAWRAWR! RAWR! At you and they lose their hair too. It just kinda shoots off into space so to say. I think that's why they get so cranky and want to eat everyone. I mean, if my hair shot off in different directions and I became a fat blob of light, I'd be angry too! How can they...  
  
Announcer, Mogget, Lireal, Sabriel: D. D. SHUT UP!!!  
  
D. D.: Oh...right...Silence passes and crickets chirp...I'm hungry...  
  
GROAN...  
  
Doorbell rings  
  
Mogget: Saved by the bell!  
  
Lireal: I hate that show...  
  
Sabriel: Yeah, who'd want to watch that when you can watch knitting shows?!  
  
Everyone except Sabriel: Er...  
  
Doorbell rings again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again  
  
Lireal: Oh no, someone isn't doorbell happy today...  
  
D. D.: I'm happy! What if I turn myself into a giant doorbell and then...  
  
Sabriel: Can I knit you a bell covering if you do?  
  
Mogget: IT WAS SARCASM!!! points at announcer dude YOU THERE! TAKE OFF THIS COLLAR RIGHT NOW!!!  
  
Announcer dude: Nah...my arm hurts...  
  
Mogget: AUTHOR!!! MAKE HIM TAKE MY COLLAR OFF! WAH!!! Ignores the time freeze and falls on the ground crying and bawling like a baby  
  
Author: But I don't want that to happen...yet...everyone but Mogget pipes up YOU MEAN NEVER! Ouch...yeah...well, I'll unfreeze you and see what happens. HEY! Mogget is already unfrozen! Oh well...unfreezes everyone else  
  
Doorbell rings it rings again and again and again and again and ag...  
  
OKAY! WE GET THE PICTURE!!!!  
  
Erm...anyways...  
  
Sabriel walks up to the door and opens it  
  
Sabriel: Hello?  
  
A salesman pops out of nowhere  
  
Salesman: HI! IS THIS ABHORSEN'S HOUSE?  
  
Sabriel falls back from the salesman yelling at her Ye...UMPH!  
  
Mogget: No, I'm sorry. I'm afraid it's not. This is the House of Mogget, but the Abhorsen lives here and owns the house and rules over it. WHY ARE YOU ASKING?! HOW DO I BENEFIT FROM THIS QUESTION?! DO I GET A FREE BAG OF TOOTSIE ROLLS FOR ANSWERING QUESTION ONE OR DO I JUST GET TO GO ONTO THE NEXT ROUND?!  
  
Lireal: laughing If that's the case, you made one error Mogget. It's the house of litter boxes instead.  
  
D. D.: NOW you're getting the hang of it! Oh yeah! High five Girl friend! Go Lireal! Go! Go! Go Lireal! Go! Go! Dancing around  
  
Mogget: throws a Pooper Scooper at Disreputable Dog  
  
Salesman: HEY! I was selling that!  
  
D.D.: Pooper Scooper Salesman? O.O  
  
Salesman: Well...I kinda got the short straw of the bunch. We decided to draw straws and whoever got the shortest one had to sell pooper scoopers. sigh WHY?! sob Why couldn't I be like my idle...sniff  
  
Lireal: Who was your idle?  
  
Salesman: Well, no one in particular, but I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be popular! And FAMOUS! I wanted to be cliché almost! I wanted to sell...  
  
Sabriel: Yes, go on...  
  
Salesman: looks at the sky dramatically I wanted to sell VACUUM CLEANERS!!! Oh to be a vacuum cleaner salesman...Everyone knows you, meets you once in their lifetime, and despises you like a dead skunk that got hit by a semi and was left in the middle of the road! The sheer joy and happiness! To be SOMEONE! To be a VACUUM CLEANER SALESMAN!  
  
Mogget: ...Right...  
  
D.D.: I'm still hungry you know...  
  
Sabriel: You COULD stop standing in the doorway like a ballerina and go into the kitchen and eat something...  
  
D.D.: Oh yeah! We're out of the time freeze! Smiles I knew that...  
  
Lireal: But D.D...you're made of charter magic...I thought you said you didn't need to eat...  
  
D.D.: Well...I don't. I just like to.  
  
Mogget: You can eat them then. Points at the announcer dude and pooper scooper salesman  
  
Announcer dude: ZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZz...passed out on the floor with an empty 6 pack of beer  
  
Lireal: HEY! I WAS SAVING THAT!!!  
  
Everyone: O.o Lireal?  
  
Lireal: Oh, not for me of course...looks around and whistles  
  
CRACK! BOOM! RUMBLE! The bright blue sunny sky with not a cloud in sight suddenly turns overcast, gray, cloudy, and menacing  
  
Salesman: Err...looks like there will be a bad storm...Can I come in?  
  
Sabriel: Sure! I'll go get a bag of chex mix and some...  
  
D.D.: OOOOO! CHEX MIX!!!! Drool disappears into the kitchen with Sabriel  
  
Mogget: flings drool off his head  
  
Lireal: Only if you get HIM points at announcer dude out of here. He drank all my...erm...all of...ummmm.... ABHORSEN'S drinks.... yeah! That's it!  
  
Mogget: Okay. Rolls Announcer dude out the door BYE!!!  
  
CRASH! The sound of pots and pans hitting the floor rings in the air  
  
Mogget: Okay...What did D.D. do NOW?! romps off into the kitchen  
  
Salesman: Thanks for cough letting me stay here cough until the storm clears cough cough  
  
Lireal: Are you okay? That cough sounds bad...want me to get you somethi...  
  
Salesman turns around and his eyes flash red, then he coughs and his face returns to normal  
  
Lireal: GASP! We need to get you some Visine Tears for those eyes first! shuffles off to get some  
  
Salesman looks at the Abhorsen house with his now returning red eyes and reaches out to touch the sword of Abhorsen  
  
AND CUT!  
  
D.D.: I thought this was a story, not a movie...OOOO! A MOVIE! I'M ON T.V.! HI MOM!!!! waves  
  
Author: No! It is a story! That just means we're stopping at that point for now until I can get the third chapter up!  
  
D.D.: OOOO! I'm in a book AND a movie!!! Can we dedicate the book to my dad? And my Uncle Sam and Aunt Sally? And my cousins Ronda, Wendy, George, Peter, and...  
  
Author: It's not a book! It's a fanfic!  
  
D.D.: Okay okay! If you wanted to dedicate it to your family, you could've just said so!  
  
Author: No, that's not what I mean...I mean that...  
  
D.D.: I'm hungry. When's lunch?  
  
Mogget: After breakfast, before dinner with no snacks in between.  
  
D.D.: oh. Have we had breakfast yet?  
  
Mogget: You've had 2 or 3 breakfasts...  
  
Sabriel: Can we stop now? I want to get back to knitting!  
  
Lireal: and I! hides beer cans I want to uh...watch Sabriel knit me a hat, sweater, vest, purse, headband, mittens, gloves, socks, booties, and scarf!  
  
Sabriel: Do you really mean it?!  
  
Lireal: OO Umm..sure...It's making up for when I gripped at you earlier...yeah...groan  
  
Sabriel: YAY!!! dances drags Lireal upstairs to show her all her knittings  
  
Mogget: Okay...well, then let's stop then...  
  
D.D.: and eat! Can we invite the audience for lunch?  
  
Mogget: We're stopping now...slaps forehead No, we can't invite the audience for lunch...We don't have enough food! That's why Abhorsen went to the grocery store. We're stopping now...  
  
D.D.: To get food for the audience?  
  
Mogget: NO! For us because you ate it all! Now go into the kitchen!  
  
D.D.: Okay...let's do everything YOU wanna do! grumble grumble YAY! THE KITCHEN! scampers off  
  
Mogget: Oo Okay. So that's the end of chapter two. You can leave now.  
  
................  
  
Mogget: No, seriously...you can...  
  
................  
  
Mogget: Really...it's over now...  
  
.................  
  
Mogget: GO AWAY! SHEESH!  
  
..........................................  
  
Mogget: Okay...bye now!  
  
..................  
  
Mogget: It's okay! We'll be back in Chapter 3!  
  
.................  
  
Mogget: Ah...forget it...walks off  
  
audience follows Mogget  
  
Mogget: OKAY! DON'T MAKE ME GO FREE MAGIC ON YOU! Tears off collar in rage  
  
Audience leaves  
  
Mogget: THANK YOU! Puts collar back on so that he's unable to get it off again and is just about to start walking away  
  
....................  
  
Mogget: slaps forehead 


End file.
